Ocular Entanglement

It seems that almost every time we're going to a kink event, we start fighting and wondering why we're going.

Why spend money to do something we can do at home? Why are we doing this fetish stuff? Why can't we get on the same page? Why are Doritos so expensive?

Fight, pout, grrrrrr, snap.

Then we step into the club or event and poof, everything is right as rain. All the problems disappear, our relationship feels normal and we fit perfectly together.

Sigh.

It's not just kink events, it's really when we plan anything. The day of the event, we fight. With kink events though, it re-aligns itself to something where we're not only comfortable but truly happy. In non-kink cases, the event may well be ruined. We have salvaged non-kink events by adding a kinky scene.

Originally our life and lifestyle grew organically together however the deeper we got into the kink communities, the more complicated it became for us. We slid comfortably into Dom/sub, Daddy/little, and Domestic Discipline. We talked often about always growing individually and together.

At some point the 'together' growth stopped. Our relationship hit a ceiling. The kink continued to grow but there was never an official contract type thing. We just 'were' these things. Now we're pretending that's not the case anymore. We play at home and in the clubs. I think we both know that deep down we both still 'are' all the same things, but there's a resistance now. Are we really together until the end? Do I really want a lifetime submissive? Can I be a Daddy without being a Dom? Can I Dom without discipline? Should I actually be a submissive?

I offered a few times to be the submissive of SoundlySmurfed but she seems completely against that idea. On the flipside she seems leery of being a 24/7 sub. For me the lifestyle is 24/7. It's who I am and I'm pretty happy with that.

Domestic Discipline has caught my eye again recently. A very short while ago SS was bratting, being mean and we were having trouble. Ultimately all she wanted was a spanking yet she could not tell me. She was not able able to tell me what she needed and wanted. I'm not entirely sure why she wasn't able, but she couldn't. So in order to get what she wanted, she pushed my buttons. I doubt she even realized in the moment what she was doing.

If we were practicing Domestic Discipline I would have said, this is what you're doing wrong and it's time for a punishment. If there was any anger in me, I would make some space between us for a bit before the punishment (time-out). I have never played or bestowed discipline while in any state of anger or frustration. I'm not perfect and am quite capable of mistakes and errors in judgment but in this at least, I'm confident. When it comes to discipline I immediately have an internal warmth of empathy. In play I connect to her on some deep level to care for her and exchange power. I doubt I could be angry during such acts if I tried.

Just for an idea of how I am and my own psychosis. When a fight starts, my fight/flight response when it's with my lover is always flight. I try to get away. I never grew up around any parental fighting and really have no idea what to do except extricate myself from the situation.

So, if SS is bratting, I would pretty much give her a scene-style spanking, slowly building up with the intent of giving her an outlet for her emotions. If she's really done something bad (broken a rule we have set together) then I would punish her. The hardest part is the gray areas in between. There should be a distinct separation between a scene and a punishment in my mind.

The three main types of spankings we have are for pleasure (sexual), scene (subspace) and punishment (corrective).

When she's just upset, angry at the world, and taking it out on me – with Domestic Discipline we have some recourse that works. Afterward she usually says, “I needed that.” We both feel good. She may thank me and often I hear the words, “I didn't realize I wanted a spanking so much until you started.”

When she brats and we are not practicing Domestic Discipline, I don't know what to do. She pushes at me and I don't mean the fun and playful poking type brat, but the angry stressed lashing out brat who doesn't know why she feels this way. She can be very cruel and hurtful if this is left unchecked. With no recourse, I have to wonder, “How much of this am I going to take?” It hurts and nothing else will stop it. Loving actions don't work. Hugging, holding, nothing.... If this is how I'm going to be treated....

I don't want to break up with her. I'm not saying that. I'm wondering if you're being treated this way over and over again with nothing to bind you together, why do you stay?

We're not married. We're people who date. There's is some attachment and caring of each other. When one of us is cruel there could be a line that once passed, there may be no going back. I don't want to pass that line or push her passed that line. While I do believe there can always be reconciliation, that line makes it so difficult. It requires so much from both people at that point – so much strength to forgive and let go of the pain.

I feel like SS wants us to each have our own lives (no integration) yet we don't see other people. Everything is separate and we only see each other at specified times, even trying to sleep in the same bed periodically but nothing permanent. When she needs a Daddy figure, she wants me to just know and be that figure. When she needs a release, she wants me to just know and give her a scene. This is what appears to be happening to me.

Perhaps that's normal and what many people want and sounds great for them but I don't really want that. I would like to have our lives integrated. The marriage/living together ship may have sailed for us but I want to know that this is us, for our life – no one will come between us. I want more 24/7 stuff. I want a Dom/sub relationship although I would happily be either. I want 'us' to be life-consuming.

What we have feels like a part-time type thing which I find very stressful. I have to just know stuff without being told and spend all my time trying to figure out what she needs now. Since we're not integrated with no real system, it ends up being expensive for both of us. We spend way too much money and end up with half as much as we would in a relationship of more depth.

I struggle with this as I want more from us and for a long time I thought she did as well. Without this, I feel a hole in my life.

SoundlySmurfed is a great girl and she's been really good lately in trying to fulfill her obligations to me. What she's doing is wonderful.

Is this relationship going to work for us when we appear on the outside to want different things?

I don't know. I do know that I love running my hands over her sexy body from head to toe. I love spanking her perfect bottom. I love our intellectual conversations (she's a smart cookie). I love playing fun games with her (family games, geeky games, immersive games). I love sharing food with her. I adore waking up to her in the morning. Her coy little smile fills me with joy. Her commitment to being fit impresses me. I love being her bitch. I love how she reacts when I talk dirty to her. I love how we socialize with others when we're together. Yes, I could keep going. I very much and with all my heart, love her.

Time to make some love.