What's the point?

DD and I are not on the same page and this past weekend was a complete waste of time and energy. (Except for Kites...yay Kites.)

This blog is supposed to be a safe place for me.

Just when i think I've got us figured out, a wrench gets thrown in,

DD loves his little girl to be sure...I dont know what he thinks of any other part of me. He spoils her like a princess and takes really good care of her.

I'm hurt and upset and I'm sure DD is as well...but I wouldn't know, he hasnt said anything or refuses to say anything because he feels like he can't. (I just think he won't because then we'd have to look at him and his actions/feelings.)

We're going to be going to various fetish events where we can look like a happy couple. The thing is, when we're DD and lg, us being happy is not a ruse, it's when we try to be a 'normal' couple outside the fet stuff.

We've talked about being just DD and lg before, maybe it's finally come to that.

I dont want to be continually hurt by in the relationship, if we're not happy, it either needs fixed or ended.

Why does DD even want to continue this? It doesn't seem like he 'likes' me alot of the time, he loves me of course, but im not so sure he 'likes' me.

DD tells me I'm unreliable and he can't trust me to do anything I say, so I've made a list of stuff that I'm going to complete so at least I'll be caught up. (I was told very sternly that I have to make the weekend up to him, thats all well and good...who's making up for the lost night of sleep on sunday? Him? Both of us?) So I've taken it to heart, from now on, I'll be reliable.

It's not tit for tat...but I stopped asking DD to do various things for me at my place because I'd ask, he 'd say yes and then he wouldn't do it. I honestly just accepted that he was like that and decided to not ask him anymore and just move on. But, maybe that was wrong and I also need to hold him accountable.

This is how it seems to work...DD says "hey can you help me inventory computers sometime?" , and I say "yes.". DD will never actually plan a day for this to happen, but instead wait for me to plan a day for it. to me...this is backwards, if I ask him 'hey can you help me organize my clothes one day' and he says 'yes' then I'm going to plan a day for it because it's my thing. So....if he asks me to help him, I have to plan it, and if I ask him to help me, I have to plan it. I don't understand that at all.

This post isn't some decision-making statement, it's a rant, to be taken as such.

DD is being really really harsh on me right now, and I think he fully believes everything this weekened was my fault (Yes I know, fault/blame doesnt matter, but this is my rant post!). To me, fault/blame is huge, and it sucks when it's all constantly being thrown your way.

I wonder sometimes if DD realizes I'm not 'perfect' that noone can ever be perfect (except God...but that's another story...)

Sometimes it seems like he stands there and judges me...who is he to do that? Only God can judge me and my actions, it's not DD's responsibility to say I need more humility, or to be certain ways. DD holds me accountable for everything little thing possible ever...but does he not realize God holds me accountable as well? Maybe he needs to let me answer to God, not him.

You know what really sucks to hear from someone you love? It's even worse then when they yell at you or make fun of you....it's 'I'm really disappointed in you.'

Takes the breath out of me just typing it.

I screw up alot, it's the human nature, but I keep on trying to do better for others, myself and God.

I do try my best, and I wish the good things were acknowledged as much as the bad is.