Fall Back

As you might have read in SSs post, we're transitioning our lifestyle to "bedroom only." 

I have no idea what this type of relationship will look like. Will we play with others at clubs? Will we ever play again?

I think about everything in my "lifestyle" bag and wonder what I'm still interested in. Maybe it's time to sell or get rid of some things.

I really enjoy my single tail whip and can't see ever parting with it but I feel like I've spent a fortune on kinky toys. Perhaps much of it was wasteful and part of me pouring everything I have into things. Do I need to hold back more?

I'm not really certain how much this has to do with the bickering that was had after Easter. It was a downer, but this is a gigantic change and one that's probably been incoming for awhile. 

In reality, we haven't partaken in the "lifestyle" much in some time. 

The 'fight' was more or less a shift in attitude from the effects of alcohol (something we rarely partake in together). From my side it felt like SS simply crossed over from happy to done for the night but then wouldn't let me take her to bed. 

I then became too easily hurt in how we spent our time. I want to treat each visit as if it's special and like we may never have another one. I don't like to presume control over life.

I feel as though SS keeps putting things off instead of dealing with or enjoying them. We'll always do things next time. It hurts me because I don't know there will be a next time. It feels like so much is taken for granted. 

Unfortunately I've become accustomed to the emotional distance we have and living separate lives. I've finally come around to what has appeared to be SS' way of thinking.

So now, with things sort of on hiatus, my submissive masochistic side is starving. Will she help me find a way to satisfy that? My Dominant sadistic side never hungers, it just 'is' when the time feels right. 

As we've talked about before, I wonder about having some friendly playmates. It seems difficult to acquire without raising the ire of jealousy. SS is my love and my heart. She is my sun and moon. Romantically I want no other. I would like to play though and it is my deepest desire for her to always be a part of it. I also never want her to feel like she has to do something she doesn't want to, to keep me. I am hers. 

We have played with another before and we both were filled with ecstasy. It was careful and planned. The 'other' played with care and never dipped a toe between us. The other person played with us and in fact brought us even closer together as a couple. It was an intense and wonderful experience. 

I don't know what the future looks like and I have some trepidation however I am deeply in love.