Less than I should be

It's been a rough week. Between work, the training course and personal issues, I think I've become overloaded.

Something has been nagging me all week and i can't seem to make it go away, I'm hoping blogging about it will ease my mind about it.

I'm dealing with a minor medical problem that is deeply affecting my sense of identity and purpose.

It's nothing serious or life threatening but it's making me feel like less of a woman. I don't look the same as other women in between my legs. My parts are smaller and more fragile than others. I'm using a cream to stabilize them from becoming even smaller.

I truly look like a little girl down there, I barely have any lips and my skins tears easily. When ever Daddy and I would have sex, I would split and eventually it hurt everytime. Daddy convinced me to go see a doctor and that's when I found it I actually had a skin condition.

A followup appointment has shown it's stabilized but I was told I'd need to monitor it for the rest of my life, using creams and having annual appointments.

I realize this all sounds angsty and emotional and like I need some perspective or a dose of actual hardship to get me out of this funk.

I'm going to forge ahead and reveal all the angst anyway and just let free what's been bothering me, perspective/dose of reality etc...be damned.

I've noticed less sensitivity down there recently, like my clit isn't as responsive as it once was, my lips dont give the sensations they used to. Sexual activity always causes me some nervousness because it's a crapshoot if it's going to hurt or not.

I've been inspecting the area alot lately and I can't help but notice how ugly it is. Why aren't my lips full and lush and pink? Why isnt my clit larger and more sensitive? Everytime I shave down there I hate the area a little more. I find myself wanting to grow the hair out just so i dont have to see my own inadequacy anymore.

Daddy has been understanding and has always thought I'm beautiful everywhere.

I've begun to hate my vagina...my lips, my clit....the perineum and the pain that happens when it splits.

Why can't I be normal? Why would Daddy want to be with someone who's losing the parts that make her a woman? What's sexy about me putting steroid creams on and then he can't touch me? What's sexy about me needing extra lube all the time? Why couldnt I have known Daddy before all this started happening? When I was full and beautiful and sensitive to touch?

Ironically....this fits into our daddy/lg dynamic because I dont look like a woman down there anyway, so there's a tiny brightside.

I was bathing my nieces a few weeks ago and I noticed that they are getting to that pre-puberty development, and even they are more developed then I am.

I'm ashamed to say I am so envious of them.

My doctor told me that if this condition gets severe enough, I wouldnt be able have sex, and my vagina would stop functioning like it should. That leads to childbirth...if I wanted to have a kid, who knows if I could do natural birth, it may tear me open so badly I need reconstructive surgery.

My doctor told me that it looks like I've had this for years and I only just found it because I started having sex. I saved myself for the right man, and my reward is that I missed getting a skin conditiong diagnosed for a long time. It could've been found and stopped sooner, before things started to disappear.

It may seem vain and inconsequential, but this has affected me more then I ever expected.

The worst part is, I can remember what I used to be like, I remember looking between my legs and being infatuated with the big lips and how everything opened prettily like a flower.

Some flower now.