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Kendra Holliday Celebrates Sexuality in St Louis!
Updated: 4 hours 36 min ago

How to Receive Head: 3 Simple Suggestions

Wed, 11/01/2017 - 10:00

There are a great many resources on giving oral sex. From videos and articles, books and blog posts, one can find all kinds of information on how to give great blowjobs and eat some fierce pussy. But what about being skilled at receiving it?

Huh? Yes, you read that right.

Oral sex should satisfy both the giver and receiver at the same time, albeit not necessarily in the same way, but satisfying nonetheless. In order to make that happen, the receiver needs to be as active, at least mentally, as the giver. You have to find out what your partner likes. How? Here are some thoughts from my partner, Matthew…

You deserve oral worship. 1. Be Assertive

This is a big one. Don’t be afraid talk to your partner. This may take some getting used to for both of you. Some people find it embarrassing or “not right” to talk about sex openly, let alone talk while having it. Tell your partner what you like about what they are doing. Let them know they are making you feel good! “That feels amazing!” or “Yes!!  Right there!” are great places to start.

You can also fantasize with your partner through speech. If you know about a particular fantasy your partner has, or you have one of your own, try acting that out. Maybe she is your secretary or co-worker. Maybe he is that young stud you’ve been wanting to have your way with for a while. Roleplaying and fantasy are great ways to live out desires without the possible repercussions of actually doing them. The possibilities are endless, but you’ll never know any of them until you try.

Lastly, but certainly not in the least, if and when you have an orgasm, in the name of all that is good; vocalize it. “Yesssss!!!”  “I’m Cumming!!!” “Holy Fucking Shit!” or whatever comes out. (On the subject of whatever comes out: Men – do not surprise your partner with a mouthful of cum. You must let them know you are about to release so they can control where it goes. Unless of course you’ve talked about it and know what your partner prefers.)

2. Be Active

This can happen in numerous ways. Of course you shouldn’t immediately jam your dick down their throat or suffocate them with your grinding pussy. Start with a slight push toward them. Pay attention to their reaction or ask them if they like that. If they do, then you can push or grind a bit more. You’ll eventually find a comfortable amount for both of you. Keep in mind, everyone is different in their preferences. Some people like their face smothered or their mouth fucked hard and they get great pleasure from it.

Try touching their head, shoulder, cheeks, or hair in different ways. Remember always start lightly and move to more intense sensations. If you find your partner enjoys their hair gripped and head controlled, do it. If you find your partner likes his face ground into and thighs clinched around his cheeks, do it. It will make is more pleasurable for them.

3. Be Adaptive

Don’t get get stuck receiving oral in the same place, at the same time, in the same way, for the same reason. Try new positions like standing or lying on your side. Different environments can offer amazing amounts of excitement. Of course you need to be very mindful of some environments (i.e. elevators, cars, public bathrooms, dressing rooms, parking garages, wooded areas, etc.), but great pleasure can be realized from short sessions of oral sex. It doesn’t always have to be done to orgasmic completion. After all, foreplay and build up are great pleasure paths.

Certainly this list of thoughts and suggestions is just that. Everyone is different and derives pleasure in different ways. However, not many people want to feel like what they are doing is not appreciated. If you keep that in mind, you can come up with many more ways to make oral sex an even more amazing part of your life.

Now, go forth, and receive head.

What are your oral sex tips?

 

My Penis and Everyone Else’s

Tue, 09/26/2017 - 15:45

We’re all inundated with spam like this:

“Want to be well hung, with a thick, muscular tool? Now you can”

“She gives me head EVERY night now that I have such a large pecker”

“The trophy can now be in your pants”

and my personal favorite:

“For anyone who has ever wished upon a star for a bigger dick, here is the answer.”

I love imagining some guy sitting there wishing on a star, but not for a pony like most people, but for the pony’s DICK.

I have to admit, I’ve only been with one micropenis in my life, and it was a shock. I think it would have gone over better had the guy said something to me ahead of time and not let me discover it on my own. Man was that awkward.

There’s a great documentary on the subject of penis size that was on BBC as part of a body image series. It’s called My Penis and Everyone Else’s.

The narrator of the film, Lawrence Barraclough, had to work hard at getting in to men’s pants and persuading them to let it all hang out. Granted some of his ideas are a little in-your-face, like when he walks around crowded streets wearing a sandwich board that proclaims loudly, “I WANT TO TALK ABOUT PENISES.”

At first Barraclough could only delve into the topic by speaking with experts and visiting sites online like measurection.com, a resource that focuses on penis insecurities. He also visits a sex toy factory that sells products such as “The Stallion Pump” and herbal enlargement pills. (Note: none of this stuff works.)

Then he was able to come up with more creative ways to broach the subject, such as “preaching” to crowds (no one dares speak up, and then finally a black man does, and what he has to say is so sweet!) and hosting a clay penis sculpting session with a few women. Admittedly, the ideal penises in these women’s imaginations turned out to be on the hefty side. Barraclough admits in the film that he is half the size of an average size erect penis. But what is the average size, anyway? That is discussed as well.

Just about every woman interviewed in this doc comes across as heartless – take a look at the interview he conducts with the girlfriend of a man named Jared who’s about to undergo penis enlargement surgery – she really puts her penis – I mean, foot, in her mouth! (Just wait till you hear Jared’s pre-op penis size – now that’s a shocker.)

Barraclough gets to sit in on Jared’s penis enlargement surgery and watch this group of medical professional mutilate a perfectly normal sized cock and turn it into Frankenweiner. Holy shit watching that scene made me want to cry. They peeled it like a banana and stuffed his cock with bits of his own ass. They briefly follow up with Jared a few weeks after his surgery at the end of the film. Here’s a hint on how he’s doing: ouch.

The film concludes with a penis gallery photo exhibit. Grassroots-style, Barraclough solicits men to send in snapshots of their manhood, and within two weeks he receives over 100.

He opens the exhibit at The Foundry Gallery in London, and it’s just a matter of time before male patrons are stepping into a photo booth and leaving their own genital fingerprint to add to the wall. It’s like a group hug for penises. I have to admit I felt fulfilled.

I’m currently working with a client via Skype who has a micropenis. He wrote this essay about his experience. Unlike the man I interviewed a while back, this man’s story has a happy ending. Instead of developing sexual anorexia, he has learned to eroticize his condition in the form of SPH (small penis humiliation) fetish.

Hey, life’s too short – might as well make the best of it!

It’s Called “Polyamory”

Fri, 09/08/2017 - 22:07

It’s Called Polyamory, by Tamara Pincus and Rebecca Hiles (Thorntree Press)

There’s a new non-monogamy book coming out October 6, and guess what? I wrote the Foreword!

It’s Called “Polyamory”: Coming Out About Your Nonmonogamous Relationships, by Tamara Pincus and Rebecca Hiles (Thorntree Press).

Below is my Foreword. You can pre-order the book now.

………

The year I came out was one of the most challenging in my life.

I was a divorced, white, bisexual cisgender woman who shared custody with my ex-husband. It was 2010 in St Louis, MO, the belt buckle of the bible belt. My daughter was 10. I owned my own home in a quiet suburban neighborhood. I had just gotten a new job at a non-profit organization.

I thought I had the best of both worlds – by day I was a dutiful employee with good posture, proper grammar, and dressed from head to toe in layers of conservative clothes. By night, I was a live nude sex blogger, anonymously documenting my polyamorous life, never putting my face or name to the blog that’s motto was: “Be open and honest.”

2010, the year I came out. Photo by Jennifer Silverberg for the RFT

I was already out to my partners and daughter, but not to my family and the community.

Through a technology glitch that connected my identity to my blog, my employer discovered my online musings, and it inflamed them. The top blog post at the time featured a threesome story with our girlfriend.

When they fired me, it was swift and severe. I hadn’t even had a chance to take off my coat when I walked into the office before the boss summoned me, her face a mask of fury.

Alarmed, I followed her to the room, where she closed the door and turned on me, icy eyes ablaze.

April 27, 2010 was the last time I was successfully slut shamed.

“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?” she hissed. “You’re acting like a 14 year old!”

I left the building, cheeks flushed, heart racing, completely stunned and cut loose. In an instant, I went from being a model employee to a monster.

Later, my employer emailed me:

“We simply cannot risk any possible link between our mission and the sort of photos and material that you openly share with the online public. While I know you are a good worker and an intelligent person, I hope you try to understand that our employees are held to a different standard. When it comes to private matters, such as one’s sexual explorations and preferences, our employees must keep their affairs private.”

For months, I searched my soul, unable to decide whether I wanted to legally change my name and get a job at Target or Starbucks, or fully own my sexuality and mission and put my name and face to my sex-positive activism.

By the fall, I had made up my mind. National Coming Out Day was Monday October 11, 2010, and I was going to come out nationally, irrevocably, with no turning back.

The month leading to my coming out was full of anxiety and planning. My teeth hurt from constantly clenching my jaws in my sleep.

I collaborated with an adult toy company I had been doing reviews for, as well as the local alternative weekly newspaper.

Amidst interviews and photoshoots, I struggled financially. I was out of work and aimless.

Before the local story came out, I went to my daughter’s school and informed them of the upcoming publicity. They assured me that they would never punish a student for a parent’s behavior.

When my story was released, the shit hit the fan.

Me on the cover of RFT, Oct 2010. Photo by Jennifer Silverberg

I was on the cover of the magazine, nude and draped like Aphrodite on the half shell.

For two weeks, everyone around me freaked out.

And then, it got worse.

Parents at my daughter’s school were horrified with me, so I was kicked out of my daughter’s Girl Scout Troop. One of the leaders wrote me: “I’m sure you’ll understand that in light of recent events you will not be invited to participate in Girl Scout programming, and somebody else will assume the role of Cookie Captain.”

I was not fit to be around cookies, much less children.

And then my daughter was expelled from the school. We were told it was because they didn’t have the proper resources for her.

Rumors swirled. My social media posts were reported and censored. PayPal banned me for having adult content. Detractors claimed I had sex with animals, was an attention seeking whore, and that my child was in danger.

My ex-husband was beyond furious and shamed.

But I’m wholesome, I swear! Photo by Jennifer Silverberg

He sued me for full custody.

I was broke, desperate, and now had to hire a lawyer and invest thousands of dollars to protect myself. And then I had to educate my lawyer on polamory and sex-positive culture.

On the verge of losing my daughter, my house, my reputation destroyed, I was told to move out of town – I didn’t belong here.

Running out of options, I shaved my head bald as a performance art legal defense fundraiser.

I was invited to tell my story at ideaCity, a Toronto based speaker series. My topic was motherhood and sexuality. My story tanked – there were people in the crowd of 700 who gave my talk a resounding thumbs down. Other people pitied me.

Unemployment ran out. I was going to a food bank weekly for a grocery bag of expired canned food to eat and cleaning houses and figure modeling for cash.

As the Winston Churchill quote goes, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Or, a page from Samuel Beckett, “I can’t go on, I’ll go on.”

Life got very dark for me. I almost lost everything. But I wasn’t alone. Throughout the entire ordeal, my partner remained loving and supportive, as well as my lovers and sympathetic friends.

Kendra Holliday will help you work the kinks out!

And then, in 2011, I found a job with a company that cared more about my work abilities than my personal life.

Soon after, my ex-husband dropped the custody case, a week before it was to go to trial.

My daughter was enrolled in a school system that did not judge her and provided the resources she needed.

I co-founded a local organization called Sex Positive St Louis with three other people.

Now, my organization has more than 3200 members.

In 2015, I was able to quit my day job and focus full-time on sex and relationship consulting.My daughter is 16 now, and identifies as panromantic asexual polyamorous. She is a peer counselor among her LGBTQ friends. We have an amazingly close relationship.

My family accepts me for who I am. They are proud of my accomplishments and attend my events.

Incredibly, my ex-husband and I are active co-parents and on good terms. We hold family meetings and attend school functions together.

I’m self-employed and able to travel and buy anything I want at the grocery store.

I’m hired to speak at local universities on non-monogamy. I’ve been featured on several sexuality podcasts. Local therapists refer their clients to me. I host spectacular play parties and educational talks. People travel from all over the country to spend time with me and enlist my services.

I am fully integrated and respected. My relationships are thriving. People admire my courage and look to me for guidance. What used to be a detraction – a polyamorous sex goddess – is now an ATTRACTION.

Lady Lascivious Liberty! BE FREE!!!!

My award-winning, creative sexuality blog is a source of PRIDE. Now, I can TRULY be open and honest.

And now I REALLY have the best of both worlds – a rich and beautiful life, full of comfort AND exciting adventures.

When I’m out and about, people will approach me and ask, “Hey, are you the sex-positive lady?” And then they thank me for my courage.

But wow, what an uphill battle!

Back then, there was no book like this when I was in the process of coming out. I wish there had been! I took a leap against all odds – but you don’t have to.

You have this resource, this guide to coming out, on your own terms, at your own pace. No need to cut off your hair to spite your face.

Co-authors Tamara Pincus is an AASECT certified sex therapist who will show you the way and Rebecca Hiles is a Sex and Relationship Coach.

To be sure, all our actions have consequences. The reason why people hold back is because they are afraid of change. They are afraid of rejection, of punishment.

I am here to tell you that if you forge a path into the unknown, you might face adversity, but if you keep true to yourself, if you keep going, you will get past the valley of darkness and come out on top.

We all have a choice to be honest with ourselves. It takes courage.

Courage is doing the right thing, even when we’re scared.

Replace the fear with love.Read on for talking points, different perspectives, and the tools and resources you need in order to successfully come out on your own terms as polyamorous.

Let this book be your guide, your voice of reason.Your ticket to freedom.

– Kendra Holliday, Writer & Editor of The Beautiful Kind, Co-Founder of Sex Positive St. Louis, Passion Midwife, Hardworking Lady of Leisure, Lover of Many

Love Like an Ocean: Diving Deep into Polyamory

Wed, 08/30/2017 - 10:15
Like an ocean, love can be
expansive and fluid

Ed Note: This article was orginally published in July 2011 on BlogHer.

My partner and I have the perfect relationship. For us, anyway. We’ve been together for nine years. We’re not married, but are in a long-term relationship. We do not live together, preferring to keep our households, finances, and families separate. Autonomy suits us well.

To top it all off, we are polyamorous; meaning, our relationship is open, allowing us to experience intimate relationships with other people, such as dating, loving, and exploring sexually. Sometimes we do it together; other times, separately.

Sorry for bragging, but…

We don’t fight. We have amazing chemistry and enjoy an incredibly satisfying sex life. We have matching libidos and desire. We can’t get enough of each other. Our relationship is based on mutual worship and respect, and our number one rule when it comes to dating other people is they need to respect both of us.

Before I knew of polyamory, I thought I was defective and unfit to be in a relationship. After years of disappointing my partners, a series of men who enjoyed playing with the girlfriends I brought home, but freaked at the mere mention of another “sausage in the room,” I resigned myself to remaining single.

Then I met Matthew, who was recently divorced from his wife of ten years. What started out as a happy, traditional monogamous union with Matthew left his wife stifled and miserable. Determined not to repeat those same mistakes again, he took a leap and partnered with me, a renegade female who was in charge of her sexuality and knew what she wanted.

Honoring my atypical outlook on life, Matthew told me he would not hold me to a standard he was not willing to hold himself. So here we are four years later: a polyamorous couple in a sea of monogamy.

Our nation is one of serial monogamy. Polyamory applies the same concept of loving more than one person in a lifetime, the only difference being that these relationships overlap in the case of polyamory, because life is too short.

The unusual details of our relationship dynamic sometimes leads people to believe our relationship is not serious. On the contrary, it is very serious. I hope he’s there with me when it is my time to die.

Sex with him can be so fierce and fantastic. He’s larger than life, outweighing me by 180 lbs., a Beast to my Beauty. I get a contact high from his testosterone just being in the same room as him.

How could I possibly keep all that man to myself?

Ironically, he is the first man I feel I could be monogamous with; after all, our kinks and libido match perfectly and we’re both so sexually creative.

Honestly, just having the permission to sleep with other people – the FREEDOM – is enough to keep me content for months at a time.

We aren’t actively looking for other lovers — we let it grow organically through friendships. We’re happy to savor the moment for what it is, deriving as much pleasure from sparking with someone on a mental OR physical level. We don’t need to touch someone in order to feed and thrive off their energy, but if that type of human interaction transpires, it’s a bonus.

Our world is our kingdom. He is my King; I am his Queen. Spiritual teacher David Deida boldly states: “If you’re a man who wants to be with other women, you damn well better take great care of the one you have.” Matthew does a stellar job of fulfilling my emotional and physical needs. I feel secure with him in a way that was lacking with past relationships.

Why Polyamory?

So often monogamous couples have mismatched libidos or similar challenges, and have limited options on how to remedy that situation. This adds up to a LOT of people not getting their needs met, which results in a bunch of unfulfilled and unhappy folks. This leads to insecurity and fear, which is often unfairly projected on others.

Why is it acceptable in our society to love more than one sport with a passion? Read different books? Why is it acceptable to love more than one child? Yet it’s not okay to love more than one person romantically at a time.

I compare monogamy to a Chinese takeout menu. Let’s pretend you can choose whatever you want from that menu, which is still plenty of variety. But then one day someone offers you an Italian menu. Would you stick with the same diet you’ve been eating for months, or would you want to try something new?  (This is not to say that you wouldn’t go back to your preferred meal after you’ve tasted the other.)

Our brains thrive on novel experiences. It’s natural for that to have a sexual outlet, as sex is such an integral part of our makeup.

My friend says, “Love is like an ocean, not a bathtub. One person doesn’t need to get out in order for another to get in.”

I tweeted that quote and a man replied, “But you can be eaten by sharks, capsized in a storm, captured by pirates, sunk by torpedoes in the ocean, much less likely in bath.”

This man very wisely observed that embarking on emotional uncharted territories comes with risk. But it can also reap huge rewards.

Polyamory IS more complicated. Polyamory is NOT superior. I strive to find other poly people who are as stable as we are, and keep coming up short. As I watch my friends cycle through their maddening poly dramas, I wonder if it’s such a good relationship model, after all. But here’s a thought:  maybe the goal isn’t to have a healthy relationship.

Maybe the unspoken goal is to intensify the living experience.

Just as some people express their passions through salsa dancing, running marathons, or climbing mountains, polys follow their passion through loving. Since sex is so taboo in our society, polys are more often misunderstood and feared than people with mainstream passions.

It’s endearing for a woman to run a cupcake blog and bake a different cupcake recipe every day of the year. It’s admirable for a couple to grow prized orchids or breed teacup Chihuahuas. But to love Peggy AND Sue at the same time? That’s scary.

And no matter how much of a trainwreck the poly person is portraying on Twitter, he or she is living open and honestly in a culture that treats sex as something to be ashamed of. I have huge respect for their authentic approach.

Here’s a little secret: polyamorous relationships often include sex (some joke that is should be called polyfuckery), but not always. I’ve had several people contact me describing their unusual situation: for example, the wife’s best friend has been living with them for over five years. There’s no sex involved, but they do everything together, they consider her part of the family, and they even joke about her being “his other wife.” They ask me, is that poly?

I say yes. The poly groups I’ve polled agree with me.

Accidental vs Intentional Polyamory

Sometimes polyamory is accidental, and sometimes it is intentional.

When it’s accidental, your heart slips and goes to a place you had no idea existed. It can be confusing, and when you later find out what you’re doing has a NAME, it can be a relief. It even happens to swingers sometimes!

My friend and fellow Sex Positive St Louis co-founder David Wraith has been polyamorous since grade school, when he had two girlfriends on the playground who knew about each other. His intimate relationships have overlapped on and off his entire life. But he didn’t realize he was polyamorous until about eight years ago.

The intentional polyamory journey looks something like this: you have an epiphany at some point about an alternative way of loving without lying or omitting. Maybe it happens while you’re reading the book Sex at Dawn, or listening to a Sex is Fun podcast that offers you some life-changing food for thought in a non-threatening manner. Maybe after that, you read the book Opening Up by Tristan Taromino, look into poly forums online, or search the web for local poly support groups.

However you get there, you start to think outside the cage.

Before you dive in, however, please take note: Regardless of the relationship style, the following traits are desirable for ANY healthy relationship: agreeability, confidence, conscientiousness, and, the trickiest one — being emotionally stable.

In order to be emotionally stable, you need to embrace honesty and love yourself and others for who they are.

There’s a lot of talk about the importance of honest communication. Here is what that means: talking to your loved ones about EVERYTHING, including things they might not want to hear.

Guess what? You’re not allowed to say, “I married my best friend,” and then keep secrets from them. You should be able to be yourself and share everything with your best friend.

So often we aren’t allowed to be ourselves with the people we love the most, so we resort to self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, or ice cream, or sharing our secrets with strangers – therapists, sex workers, hairdressers, angry, anonymous ranting blogs.

What if we turned this broken model on its head and replaced the fear in our hearts with love?

That is how my partner and I have chosen to do things, and it is leading the two of us to self-actualization and full integration. I don’t think there’s anything more liberating than being fully integrated.

Until a person’s sexuality no longer comes into play when judging character, value or status in society, we will be held back from achieving this healthy ideal.

My partner and I have opened our minds and hearts, and have tapped into a deep well of love and good energy that knows no bounds.

As for our friends and lovers, our love is fluid. They come in town, we love them for the weekend, and then we release them back into the ocean like a message in a bottle. The respect and acceptance is there, and so is the glorious freedom.